Okay ya'll! Last night was the official Farmer Wants a Wife season finale! I'm not gonna lie, it snuck up on me and I was glad to have DVR because I was gonna be sad if I missed the wife pickin. Now I put this big picture here so ya'll don't get spoiled if you don't wanna, and the recap is below.
So last night, Matt is down to TWO GIRLS. That means it's time for a wife pickin' and he intends on doin' just that. These girls are absolutely just set on marryin' this guy and I guess I see the appeal. I mean, he's cute in a country sort of way, and I definitely support his use of no shirt throughout the show. I'm a fan of shirtless men, what can I say. It's weird, because Brooke being a Dallas girl could probably find just as good men if she headed east an hour or so, but she's got her heart set on Matt regardless. Then there's Christa. She's from New York City, for crying out loud. Are you trying to tell me she really wants to move to BFE and become a wife? The only thing I figure is that maybe men really ARE that slim pickins in the city and with the death of chivalry, a guy from the country could look mighty good. Or she's really desperate, or trying to get her green card.
Anyway, Matt starts the girls out by giving them "wifely duties" to do. He sends Christa off to pay his tab at the grocery store, take a deer to the taxidermist, pick up a carborator, get some horse feed...and Brooke to pick up live crickets, catfish...order some part or something...basically a bunch of busy work because let's face it, he's really getting himself a slave he can make out with. Christa gets side tracked at the country store and starts counting her chickens before they hatch by asking the clerk if they carry condoms. Brooke gets stuck behind a train and is the last to return home. Of course, there's Matt sitting there with some sandwiches and quite possibly the largest bowl of chips I've ever seen. If he's trying to put them into a sodium coma, mission accomplished. After lunch Matt tells the girls he'll be taking them out on dates - and Brooke only has 30 minutes to get ready.
So she puts on 30 minutes worth of outfits, I think she changed like 8 times, and he takes her four wheeling and picnicing. Charming. Precious. Britney Spears was totally jealous. She wants to tell him she loves him but chickens out, which is amazing because I thought that stupid girls ALWAYS tell guys they love them. Maybe they're suppsed to give it up first. I have no idea. Then Brooke gets dropped off and Matt picks up Christa in a horse and carriage. At this point I'm thinking, well, she's won. Obviously. Brooke gets the country bumpkin date, and Christa gets the Cinderella date? No contest!!
He takes Christa to his house and bow chicka bow wow...shows her his deer head collection. She is not impressed by his dead animals but does like his big...bed. Right. So they have dinner and the porch and at this point I'm thinking...man, if that were me, I'd be missing Taco Bell by now. Then they make out a lot and he takes her home because he's a gentleman and he's also probably worried about getting caught on her weird lip ring thing.
And then comes the final day. The day Farmer Matt picks his wife. The girls are doing wine bongs in the living room when they hear a marching band. This is never a good sign, because that's usually when I realize I've probably had too much wine. But lo and behold, it was a real band and there he was on the porch with the Mayor, ready to make his announcement. He gives some kind words about the girls and then tells them that a crop duster is going to fly over head with one of their names on it. They both look at him like he's an idiot. But that's how I've always dreamed of being proposed to, none of this fairy tale on one knee crap! I want me a plane, dagnabbit!
And after painful and constipated silence, a plane flies overhead that says "MATT HEART BROOKE". Christa craps her pants and Brooke passes out. And at that point I'd had far too much and I decided it was probably time to get a hobby.
So Matt picked Brooke. Weird. I guess that means there's hope for all of us to find love. Or mail order brides.
